What we fear

The life of someone who is constantly inside their own head is challenging. You are forever making up new fears and threats for yourself. Now, that feeling can be something weird like a pigeon coming down and attacking you or the fact that you will end up in a fire, there are many things we all fear. That was something I learned being in therapy. To be fearful is something that everyone you meet goes through, it's just some have fears far bigger than others. Fear is a word that almost pronounces itself.

When we say fear (this might just be me) the ribs tighten and shivers appear all along the back, like someone's crawling up them. It has become a word that to many hurts and causes physical and mental ache from times of trauma. This could be a relationship ending and the fear of being heartbroken again. Yet, it could also be the fear of hearing loud noises and reminiscing over the time you spent in the war. We all look at the word and assume the worst, triggering something in our minds that creates that image over and over again just from hearing one word.

For the person writing this post, yours truly, fear can come in many different shapes and forms from the weak, teenage trauma that I'm sure we've all gone through once upon our lives. Then there are the fears that are deeper, digging into the heart and soul of someone who has suffered trauma and pain. The person who won't talk about their problems but then will write a whole blog post about them. Yeah, that! She's there too. She's the person who is scared during these current times to even hear about the news, as the whole idea of hearing it can cause stress. I know that I'm not the only one who has heard the BBC news intro start to play and run to the remote to find anything better or more uplifting to pop on. You know its serious when I pop on Eastenders (I just really don't understand that show and how my Grandma can binge it for hours).

The idea of the news is to be informative. Tell the world who aren't currently world leaders what is going on within the area around them. The news isn't supposed to be something to be excited for, useless you are caught on the news and do the whole scene of Mick from Gavin and Stacey with everyone you know. Newscasters are supposed to be serious, stay neutral and not crack when they're informing that the world gone crazy. To look into the newscaster's eyes and see nothing as they tell you of the current death toll of the whole of the UK is questionable. I don't think I would ever be able to do something like that. I MEAN......... I was the person who at the age of 14 gave a pigeon we found on the side of the road a funeral, complete with a song and a leaf over the body. I think we can all now imagine the sensitivity levels I have. So imagine this weak little embodiment of a human form trying to sit through an episode of the news without going into a mental cluster-fuck. It just can't be done. I think that fear of the news I have kind of came out of getting ahead of myself and fearing the worst. It's a weird thing fear but I promise I am trying

I just want to end this post by saying to those of you that aren't ok at the moment that's fine. To those that are ok, that's fine too. Don't feel pressured to feel something that you aren't. We all need to remain the way we are and not feel pressured as it can bring self-worth and trauma down with it. Relax, try to stay focused. Try to go for walks, get colouring books, and enjoy time with those around you. We will all be ok in the end but it's just right now that you need a little bit more time to focus on you and tap into how you feel.

Sending hope for the future when we can return to partying till dawn

A x